One of the things that inspires me to stick with my 15 minute daily blogging habit is how writing helps me to sort out my thoughts and feelings and so it was yesterday. Almost as soon as I hit that publish button the squabbling seemed to stop. E, 5, played with O, 3, for about two hours straight then S, 7, came back from the allotment with TDO (I must get over there at the weekend and take some up to date photos) and played with E for another couple of hours before we all crashed out about 9:30pm. E & O are playing together again now whilst S is sleeping. They often wake 2 or more hours before she does, Especially with the longest day coming up plus they tend towards siestas whilst S doesn't.
When so many people are involved there can never be any one contributor to factors coming out of balance. You can't always change them but you can acknowledge them, however, when the seas are rough I become scared to even mention them for fear of making waves.
So, what changed? Well for my part I told them. I told them how sad and unhappy it makes me when they fight and how powerless it makes me feel. Ask me about breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby led weaning and I am in my comfort zone and confident but here, 15 dog years into parenting, with a home educated 3, 5 and 7 year old I am not. The dynamics are shifting. E and O play a lot more now O is older and this can exclude S. It is a new kind of crockery management spinning as the plates get bigger and heavier.
S misses her friends. From her Valentine and Masquerade balls where she had to trim the guest list down she has suddenly found her active, available friendship group has contracted considerably. A variety of unconnected: hatching, matching, dispatching, car loss, illness and injury event coupled with her friends mothers deciding they don't like me any more have meant she isn't getting the Barbie time she craves. She has a play day on Monday that she is much looking forward to and I am talking to her about Brownies and so on.
From my perspective I feel the moving apart of the sibling relationship is inevitable with age and that one of the many advantages of home education is that it allows us to put family first at least in these early years.
Our friendships have been very cyclical since we made inroads into the home ed community back in 2005. Most notable where those who felt that the school starting age was too young but didn't have any real commitment to home ed, that was the last time I recall a landscape change as large as the current one. There are constraints on most of the relationships we have, lack of transport and finance and so on and I have been explaining these to S.
Also S needs some new stimulus and inspiration. She has gobbled up several series books this year including 'The Roman Mysteries' and 'How to Train Your Dragon' and 'Horrible Histories.' She was very taken with Petworth House and has asked to return perhaps I will look for some ideas around that era and area. Historical Fiction and paintings pre 1900 seems to be her zone.
After four days out to London, Brighton, Arundel and Petworth we have a home day today. Weed over this morning, O has asked me not to go to the gym, with only 2 weeks left on the membership it is becoming harder to motivate myself in that department!
4 comments:
It's exhausting balancing the dynamics of a family and attempting to meet the needs of all the individuals in a family particularly when some are affected by external factors and others are not. Then just when you think you have it sorted the dynamics change again as we all grow and learn. I too had a talk with mine yesterday about squabbling and fighting and getting along together. My 10 year old's are growing up fast but I fear my 5 year old's just don't get it - it's not really on their list of priorities! Like you I think HE allows us to acknowledge these changes as we see them and attempt to do something positive and adapt with the family focus at the forefront. Having said that when in the thick of a difficult period I often feel like I must be getting it wrong! Wishing you a good day x
It is a comfort to know other home edders go through the same Angela.
I have spoken to several whose children have flown and grown and a common theme seems to be groups at the beginning when you find others doing something you thought was impossible and the security of like minds then a more family centred groove for a time until teens hormones drive them in search of a deeper gene pool. Of course no two families are the same but it is 2pm now and so far today has been much improved :)
Oh dear, how awful that your daughter's friendship is being spoilt because of a dislike of you. I mean, I know what you mean (been there) but it strikes me as so petty and hard on the children.
I mean,the expense, time constraints, public transport issues - they're enough to stretch the child/ren's social life without adding in parental agendas. :-(
We've been talking about Brownies/Scouts too - but Cupcake is also seriously interested in taking up a martial art (thank you, Kung Fu Panda) and at the rate we're going I pretty soon won't have a weekday evening free! Not to mention the costs of yet one more activity! Thank goodness she is not at school!
Sorry to hear the gym going is being tested - I've been so impressed/ashamed/inspired! lol
Love to come on line and find your comments Lily. They are always so thoughtful and kind.
Yes, I think everyone in HE land has been there re Friendships - It is a real balancing act - in the past I have found that family relationships suffer when there is over emphasis on the importance of friends and yes we did too many committed structured clubs and groups when S was young and so part of this is an inevitable overbalancing.
There are plenty of local HE parents I have heaps in common with and love to chat to but sadly their off spring are not a gender / age match for our family.
I do have my grumpy moments I am sure I am not univerally popular!! My pet peves are all the parents standing around chatting about how connected to their children they are whilst completely ignoring them and I get really grumpy with people expecting younger children to defer to older children (special needs aside) - IME as a mother of 3 with 15 dog years of parenting under my belt you can normally assume the younger one has the moral high ground!!
Made it to the gym this morning :)
It is hard with the boys to get S involved in after school stuff as I know from experience it is a lot of hanging about for them then, as most things are a drive away, they fall asleep on the way home and all the complications that brings to the day!
3 play dates a week is about right for S I think.
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