We have been to the beach today and to a cool park to meet friends. All in the glorious May sunshine. A sea change after a month or more of lousy weather it is now very warm!
First stop was the town centre in Worthing for the next instalment of free lego. A Star Wars Star Fighter today. No parenting book I have read has come close to free lego in its brotherly bonding potential.
Don't let the photos fool you though, in between some lovely moments of freedom by the waves there are some struggling undercurrents. Although S, 7, & E, 5, are playing beautifully as I type S's behaviour remains really challenging in places. Last night she was so rude to TDO and I we were left wondering if attachment parenting is a failure and perhaps we shouldn't have stopped every 5 minutes when she used to scream in the car as a baby. When I wrote of this last week I secretly hoped she was sickening for some illness, at least that will be an explanation I thought. I wondered if the desire for a dog, not seeing friends, lack of intellectual stimulation were the triggers and did my best to address those but there are moments when I feel very disconnected from her thoughts at the moment. S is also highly anxious, partly a factor of her poor diet I am sure, conducting constant risk assessments everywhere we go.
She and E seem to be averaging 3 or 4 arguments per day at the moment, certainly higher than average, which quickly escalate to physical aggression and then, moments later, they are holding hands and chatting. I am at a loss. Is this even normal behaviour ? I have no clue.
I am not sure what real learning is wrapped up in throwing stones into the sea but the vitamin D was very welcome :)
In Other News
E tipped up his entire lunch of pasta pesto and stones (our family word for pine nuts!) at the park. Argh!
Love family words! Stones goes with brown paint (nutella) and crooks (crocs)
Monday's crop of 40 or so books from Horsham library are going down well - especially the super heroes and historical fiction.
9 comments:
You are not alone in the frustrations of sibling battles and I am not alone either for I have read this post! Beach Therapy can't beat it x
Sorry, meant to say difficult puzzling behaviour as well as sibling battles!
It is really kind of you to take time to comment on the blog Angela, especially as my own reciprocal blog reading is rather erratic at the moment.
I am aware that a large part of it is my expectations and they need better management, in one sense I feel that by this age and stage keeping certain feelings to yourself is definitely happening among school age children - here I am thinking 'boys don't cry' and so on and, as home educated children, my children are emotionally much rawer asking for Mummy and so on.
I do understand that all of this attachment is to build a stable foundation for later on but sometimes I think "When is later?"
I guess 14 ? I know the 0-7 phase in Steiner and so on is very intense and I do have three in that zone.
A friend posted this piece about "Why do we hurt our children?" on fb the other day and it listed (out side of hitting and smacking) - things like time out and grounding as punishments that were incompatible with attachment parenting and unschooling and I really hear all that but now when S is naughty it seems more cool and calculated...... for eg she has lied to us several times and blatantly says
"When you lie if you maintain eye contact and don't shuffle your feet it is harder for people to tell you are lying."
we have come along way from distracting a toddler who is playing with the remote control in preference to saying "No, no, no!" and for all I read saying what you shouldn't do there is little to say what you should.
It is all very well being unconditional but the fact is we do live in a conditional world!
We are so visible too - everywhere we go during the week in term time I feel we stick out - whether it is the beach or NT Houses or parks or libraries - in each of those places this week we have been the only bigger children there and I think the trio are really unaware how much they are being watched and ergo my reactions to them too - It makes me feel I ought to be "doing something!"
I dunno, sorry to ramble, I just looked at them today at the beach and thought all those kids stuck behind desks dreaming of what you are doing right now and you can't even appreciate it!!!
Maybe that comes later, they did enjoy it in the end but I dunno maybe it is me who assumes an argument free day is a happy day......
I can see from my photos alone how together the boys are now and I am sure S feels that but she has way more social contact than many other home ed children and has lots of one to one time with me and TDO - I just wonder how much more attaching we can do!?
ps - I use the phrases unschooliong and attachment parenting interchangeably because I think they sort of are!
The overall result is rather treading on egg shells at times - for as many compliments about their great behavior that come my way there are an equal number of people I am sure avoid us because it is hard to relax when you are attached to three bombs!!
I am sorry to moan on and be negative - I do realise I should have left them to "self-soothe" so I could have my evenings "back" years ago now!
and my Mum is away this week so I am appreciating her more than ever! I blame the gym too as it has given me a flavour of life as a adult without children in tow!!
The approach to the longest day is always a challenge when I look back over blog posts from last year I see the same - Basically from 5am - 9pm is a long job when really it should be 9-5!!
Not that I'd have it any other way - I just don't want to turn into shouty Mum!
I read these blog posts where unschoolers say "We tidy up to make a mess again not to have a tidy house!" and I think 4 dishwasher cycles later I am still grasping at that dream!!
Aw! Dear Katie, I sooooo feel for you; sibling rivalry is the most challenging aspect of parenting I think - you will not be alone! I wish I could offer you an easy answer but like with all parenting it's different for everyone...
If it helps - what strikes me as I read through this is
a) you could maybe feel less concerned about THEIR troubles and as much concerned for yours! Attachment parenting I feel may sometimes overlook the very important fact that YOU are a person too and part of their education is to understand how they relate to others and others ARE as important as them. In simpler words - maybe you're trying too hard to comply by method, or the book, and parenting of any kind does not work like that because everyone is different - every child is different - and you should listen to your own needs and intuition more! Use the 'book', adapt it to you - just like you do with home ed!
b) it might comfort you to know there were definitely times when I felt totally disconnected from my children as I'm sure many parents do, like I didn't know who these bloody little aliens were - then they'd surprise me, come out the other side of it and grow into something new. 'It's a phase', 'it'll pass' their dad and I used to say to each other in consolation - quite a lot! Don't analyse - just let it pass and wait!
c) I didn't notice until far too late to be useful, that the children's arguments were as much about Getting Me On Side as much as any falling out between them. And once I'd sussed this and NOT got involved apart from placatory comments if necessary it eased off a lot. It might make you laugh to know that even as teenagers sometimes we'd go to bed with the sounds of 'bloody bitch' being screamed through the bedroom doors and other times it was 'Love you' -'Love you too'! thankfully more the latter than the former - their dad and I used to laugh! And now they are as loyal and as loving to each other as we could have wished!
d) And it also strikes me that you're maybe tired, trying too hard to be such a good parent, not giving yourself enough credit for the difficult job you're doing, and should treat yourself REALLY NICELY and take time out as much as you can. You cannot practise good parenting - attachment or otherwise - if you don't LOOK AFTER YOURSELF Katie! YOU deserve as much consideration as they do - that's how society works!
God - I do go on, don't I? Hope this helps, even if it doesn't you should at least know there are lots of people out there who clearly admire you, me among them. x
Thanks Roz x x I have no framework for sibling rivalry as an only one myself it is a steep learning curve!
I think you're right on expectations Katie and I should lower mine sometimes and recognise just how great my children are. I don't think the lessons on gratefulness or appreciation are learned this early. Perspective and rationale and counting your chickens come later on in life through more exposure to life and understanding of the adult world with it's realities and knocks and even then at near 40 we're not supposed to have all the answers. going to have all the answers. Having said that though I don't want the children to be unruly and without boundaries nor do I want them shielded completely because life can really be quite shocking sometimes so that is why I cannot subscribe to just one parenting or educational ideal. There's simply not one authority or one best method of parenting nor educating. I think most of us muddle through this new experience and learn on the job. I say new because it's constantly changing as everything does - everything moves forward. The whole way through there are always going to be some phases and situations that are more difficult than others what with all the external influences and things we are all affected by and considering we are all different as people and therefore different as parents we are going to handle and approach and cope with things differently. It is during these times where I appreciate inspiration and input from others and the ability to share information (including moaning on the blog!) on a whole range of parenting and educational methods but I think we have to take the bits that are useful to our own situations and ditch the rest that doesn't seem to work. I simply can't buy in to something completely and utterly because life just has too many variables. Even school isn't simply wrong despite my choice not to use it and trust me I certainly feel like throwing them in from time to time - then they'll realise how lucky they are right? No, wrong we'd just live around that situation and deal with everything that comes with that. There is no law in the universe that I know of that says our existence should be easy or even just pleasurable because we are just too small in the grand scheme of things. Tomorrow is a new day and if we get through it without a squabble I'll be amazed. If we get through it without a tantrum I'll be amazed. I know we will get through it either way x hugs x
Oh and Katie don't be too hard on yourself worrying about what other's think when you're out and about. My children always seem like the loudest children around (even though they are good well mannered mostly) and it can make for un-relaxing outings. I think we are tuned to hear our own children and also under more pressure to have them toeing the line because we home educate. We have to be seen to be showing that home ed works. I think about all of those people who haven't had children that look and think "I won't let my children do that" or "I won't give my children sweets" or "my children won't behave like that" and throw stones at our ability as mothers and think yeah yeah you haven't a clue! People are generally too judgemental without knowing the reasons/choices or full stories behind our lives.
Making it up as we go along! Angela!
Yes, you and Roz are right about expectations and about not taking it personally - remaining objective is very helpful!
I have no issues really with the learning side of things I can see that going on but with classmates there is not the emotional connection like there is with family.
I agree re blog - it is helpful to talk it through and often just writing it down helps me see what went wrong (right!?)
We had a much better evening last night and some of us slept in til past eight :)
I always say home ed problems have home ed solutions - there has never been a situation in our family ever that school would have improved upon.
Post a Comment