Are you sitting comfortably?
There has been much in the media this week about the happiness gene, a few tweets popping up about comfort zones and I had half started thinking about the economics of happiness so I have been thinking "how can you be happy if you are also supposed to be uncomfortable?"How does this relate to our parenting choices especially the outside the box options and I have concluded that it is not my comfort zone that is the defining parameter here but the more relevant question is:
Starting with birth, seems an obvious place to begin, it was the horror stories of friend's experiences in hospitals that were an initial catalyst to us seeking out alternatives and yes, when chatting to a mother I don't really know at the park I do brush it off with the forbidden "L" word and say "Well, I have been really lucky and had all three of my children at home, in the same room, with the same midwife, isn't that funny, don't hear that often etc etc" when they ask questions but if you read our 3 birth stories, especially the first one, the words: odds, statistics and probability feature regularly. This is text I wrote 6 and a half years ago and have not amended suggesting that leaving it to luck was the last thing on our minds.
But this choice to go outside the normal consensus makes other people seem to feel uncomfortable and defend and justify their own choices in a way that often takes me by surprise In the early days being unable to join in with moaning about queues for antenatal appointments or share anecdotes about the filthy state of hospital toilets left me with little contribute to conversations and when I did speak I often felt I'd hurt someone's feelings or said the wrong thing even though my "Brave" choices were freely up for debate.
I have experienced the same phenomenon with feeding choices. It goes something like: "It is great that you are breastfeeding and we are so impressed you have stuck with it for so long but would it be okay if you didn't do it here?" or if I post up a breastfeeding in the news link on my facebook page there is the, almost inevitable, "My baby has grown just fine on cow & gate / aptamil / SMA" comment.
As if my status constantly reads "There are no advantages to breastfeeding only disadvantages of formula feeding."Again in the park scenario mothers will often tell me that they "couldn't" breastfeed and, in my 6 years of parenting, I have only met one who outright told me that there was no way she would be entertaining that nonsense. Here again something about my behaviour seems to push people outside of their comfort zone. Is it because I don't moan about forgetting the steriliser or seem to lack any guilt or smile when I am breastfeeding? I really don't know.
Recently this has been happening with home educating too. Comments like "It is fabulous that you are home educating, you are so brave (argh!) my sister's brother's cousins did that so I do know about it" (I think that is the home ed equivalent of saying "Some of my best friends are black." But I may be wrong) anyway but could you not mention it so often or in front of XYZ as little Johnnie is unhappy at school and they would rather he didn't know about home ed or XYZ is having a tough time with little Billy as he cries every morning before school and it would upset her to see you so happy." Or, as happened to us at a family birthday gathering last year, there had, very obviously, been a pre-agreement that it would not be spoken about or discussed or even mentioned and whilst the other children were asked "What are you doing at school?" (is that the most imaginative conversation opener you have?) my children were totally overlooked and it was not mentioned at all! Like the stereotypical Mad Great Aunt Nora locked in the attic back in the Victorian era!
It is a rare home ed forum that does not have at least one member who has lost touch with a close friend of family member due to difficulties in reconciling choices. People don't like being forced out of their comfort zone, I am increasingly coming to conclude that many humans want to spend time moaning about nits / awful teachers / inappropriate homework but anyone who has stepped outside of this framework and made a positive choice presents just too much of a challenge. What's worse than a wierdo? A happy wierdo.
There is a fabulous post by the very popular "Just A Bald Man" entitled "Defending the Status Quo" which is worth a read here.
My own comfort zone I consider to have been through a process of evolution not revolution . As Baby Small says when he climbs on my lap for some side "Ooh nice and comfy." What is so wrong with being comfortable?
5 comments:
Maybe I don't get out much (we are very rural!) or maybe I'm unobservant, but despite making no secret of homebirths, long term breastfeeding, cosleeping and home educating I've never really encountered any negativity or uncomfortableness. Plenty of people have told me they'd like to have done the same but couldn't for a variety of reasons, and plenty more have told me they would never have considered it, but neither of us seemed to see our choices as reflecting on the other. When it comes to home educating, I'm most often greeted with interest and curiousity, which is no bad thing, surely, although it can get a bit dull repeating 'actually, they aren't supposed to check up on you and you don't have to follow the national curriculum'.
We do seem increasingly "visible" in towns, at soft play and at parks in term time just because my children are physically bigger than the others they stand out more.
I guess locally people chat to us because they don't recognise us from the doctors or health visitors or school gates but they see us in the village. Mostly it is biggest small, she is very social and always sparking up conversations with adults and children.
Yep, my eldest is still only just 5 so most people would casually assume they're not old enough yet. But we're visible enough anyway round here from having lots of children close together so everyone from the butcher to the windowcleaner knows by now!
I have noticed it happening more recently at 6.5, 4.5 & 2 so it will be interesting to see if you see things change
Great post Katie !
I think you have hit the nail on the head, when you choose 'outside the box' you are doing what many people would like to do and because you have made this 'brave' choice-it puts their backs up. I wanted Alex to be born at home but I was over-ruled by everyone, husband, family, doctor etc-oh the guilt that would have been loaded on me if anything had gone wrong......as it was he was born in hospital and when things went awry, I had no help !
Same with feeding/nursery/choosing schools. so many parental 'choices' were simply not choices. When we took him out of school at the age of 11 he was quite obviously 'big' enough to be in school. So whenever people saw us they assumed he was on holiday or ill.
Then when it became apparent that he wasn't delinquent or falling 'behind' his peers/turning into a social freak but actually achieving exams and more importantly happy and contented, well that just annoyed people even more. Folk don't like having the 'standard' challenged and if you prove that another way works, they can't accept that either. Square pegs and round holes and all that xx
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